tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9104678730176687014.post6774554071423960485..comments2014-12-12T18:07:42.274-05:00Comments on Seminar in Composition : Revision 2Adamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16302919444091859459noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9104678730176687014.post-92101664815814297772014-11-15T15:15:22.080-05:002014-11-15T15:15:22.080-05:00The intro is a large improvement. It’s still mech...The intro is a large improvement. It’s still mechanically a mess, which needed a good proofreading or two, but the ideas are all there, and the thesis is coming together, even if it, too, could have used a little more polish.<br /><br />Your 2nd & 3rd paragraphs did need more polish too, but they’re probably your smartest, most focused work of the semester so far. I liked your hypothetical murderer in relationship with Lewontin’s discussion of the house of lords. It could have been taken a little farther (note that we might further point out that his bipolar disorder is likely exacerbated by his bad family background, and that he may have been abused in part because his father likely was also mentally ill), but I like what you have.<br /><br />The rest of the essay is, again, your best sustained work. Your discussion of RCA1 & PKU is good, and of an appropriate length. You relate it well to Butler and the HGP, and given that you are trying to juggle several interrelated topics, I think your reading of Butler on the incompleteness of Oanakali knowledge was exceptionally good. This is a reading that could have been productively extended (and challenged) through a discussion for eh other two books, which goes to show that it has merit. What impressed me most, though, is the way that everything interrelated - you were good at exploring the interconnections among Butler, Lewontin, and your example genetic (or indirectly/partially genetic, really - that’s part of your point) conditions.<br /><br />This is definitely your best work. I do need to say, though, that your proofreading was downright terrible. You need to work on that. Loop in a friend, take it to the writing center, let it sit for a couple hours and then read it through again yourself - regardless of how you do it, you want to avoid making this many basic mechanical errors in the future.Adamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16302919444091859459noreply@blogger.com